I D I O C Y

"According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts. 'Unless they receive immediate cosmetic attention, millions of women in this country will lose the attention of their male acquaintances completely, and some may never be able to land husbands or, if they are somehow already married, keep their husbands' interest.' There are several easily identifiable indications that a woman may be afflicted with Chronic Breast Deficiency, or CBD. These include the inability to fill out tight sweaters, as well as invisibility when in proximity to women who have large breasts. Females with this disorder may also experience a troubling absence of back pain. 'I cannot stress enough how important it is for women who believe they already have large breasts to remember that they can almost always benefit from having even larger breasts,' Saddler added. 'But after they hit 45 or so, really, what's the point?' added Allard, referring to a condition known as aging, which is cited by the plastic surgeon general as another worrisome but treatable issue currently affecting 100 percent of American women." - The Onion